What Are Feelings For?

Have you ever thought about why human beings have feelings? What are emotions good for? Are they good for anything at all? Wouldn't we be better off if we were like the fictional Vulcans from Star Trek, making decisions based purely on logic and keeping emotion out of it?

Do you think logic is a better basis for making decisions than emotion is? When you make decisions, do you try to keep emotion out of the process? Or do you go with your gut and figure things will sort themselves out because it just feels right? I don't pretend to have all the answers about emotions. I don't even pretend to have all the questions about emotions.

The only thing I know for sure is that I have emotions, and there are times when they lead me to do things I would not do if I were simply being logical. That can get me into trouble. However, that can also lead me to some very positive outcomes.

Accepting Emotions as Part of Ourselves

So, how do you know when to go with your gut and when to think things through? At various times in my life, I've been told I'm too emotional. I've also been told my feelings were wrong.

How in the world could someone else know either of those things about me?

I've said before that it's okay to feel however you feel. You can't necessarily stop your emotions or control them at all times. But it's also okay to say, it's just a feeling, and I don't have to let it direct or control my behavior. It's okay not to feel bad. You can decide to feel good regardless of what's happening.

Even during the saddest times in my life, there have been moments of laughter and joy. If you've ever been to a wake or a visitation at a funeral home, you know the tears are usually punctuated with smiles and laughter.

It's also okay to feel bad. We may think that it's not normal to feel bad, and we sometimes take drugs (legal or illegal), or drugs disguised as beverages, to mask or dull our feelings. But if you're going through a difficult time in your life, it isn't unreasonable to feel sad or down or discouraged or whatever. The trick is to avoid punishing yourself for the way you feel.

You don't have to apologize for it. You don't have to feel bad about feeling bad. You also don't have to keep feeling bad if you don't want to.

Feelings Are Feedback

So what in the world are feelings for? I believe it's helpful to think of feelings as feedback that help guide your decisions. Let's explore that idea.

I don't think it's a coincidence that we use the word feelings to describe both emotions and physical sensations. Think for a moment about physical pain or physical pleasure. If you come into contact with a piece of broken glass or a hot stove, you instinctively pull back from it.

Those things hurt, and the feeling of pain keeps you from hurting yourself further. Conversely, it's pleasurable to eat food that tastes good or to be hugged by someone you love. You instinctively want to do more of these kinds of things.

And it's easy to see how all of these physical feelings contribute to our survival and well-being, both as individuals and as a species. Our physical feelings protect us from harm and move us toward healthy behaviors. Our physical feelings provide feedback that guides our decisions about how to act.

So why wouldn't emotional feelings serve the same purpose? When I write about emotional health or speak to an audience, I feel good. These activities are enjoyable to me. When others tell me something I've said helped them, I feel great. Helping feels good, and I like that good feeling, so I keep doing the thing that brings me joy.

On the other hand, being in relationships with people who took advantage of me felt terrible. Being criticized, ignored, or even abused creates emotions that feel bad. And I was motivated to take action to leave relationships where those things were happening.

I'm much healthier and much happier today for taking those actions. And by the way, I'm not just talking here about romantic relationships. I'm talking about relationships with friends, so-called friends, or family members, or others who are not really interested in building bonds based on healthy give and take.

If being with someone hurts, that is important feedback to consider when choosing your actions. Responding to the information provided by your feelings is not always straightforward, of course. This is where your human capabilities and decision-making powers come into play.

You have choices to make and you can factor in other considerations as well as your feelings.

Eating food that tastes good has contributed to human survival for all of our history. Yet eating too much obviously isn't a great idea. It can ultimately contribute to death rather than life. Exercising may not feel all that great in the moment you're doing it, but you know it will make you feel much better in the long run, both physically and emotionally.

Being in a marriage with someone you are physically attracted to may help create a new generation of human beings. But if your spouse is physically abusive, that's very harmful, not healthy. Fortunately, we can consider other factors as well as our feelings, but I think sometimes we discount our emotions too much or even choose to ignore them when they are trying to tell us something important.

Your RAS (Reticular Activating System)

The reticular activating system, or RAS, is a function of your brain. Your RAS screens out information that isn't relevant to you at any given moment, but you can consciously override it if you wish. I've talked before in my book about my looking for Easter eggs all year round as a demonstration of the RAS in action.

I'll give a brief recap of the story here to explain how RAS works. When I first heard about this process of your brain focusing on finding what you look for, I decided to put it to the test. It was around Christmas time, so I decided to really test this theory by choosing Easter eggs as my object to look for.

Less than a week later, I was volunteering at a thrift store. When I opened a large box of donations, I was surprised to see it was full of Easter eggs of all shapes and sizes! Now whenever I tell this story, I usually see an egg within a couple of days.

You will see what you look for. If you look for reasons to be happy, you'll find reasons to be happy. If you look for all the negative aspects of your life, you'll find them. Your RAS screens out the things you aren't looking for to save on brain power.

How does RAS work with your feelings? Because that system is working at all times and in all places, you are not necessarily consciously aware of all the information that is present in your surroundings. Is it possible, however, that some part of your mind has picked up on something you are not consciously aware of?

And is it further possible that your brain creates feelings from that information? Think about a time when you have felt unusually uneasy, in a situation where there was no obvious reason to feel uneasy. Where did that emotion come from?

Twice in my life, I have met a person for the first time and literally felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Both of those people had ulterior motives that I did not know about consciously at first. Have you ever had the sense that someone was watching you and then looked up to see someone was watching you?

I'm not saying to always go with your feelings and leave out other factors. That's acting like a toddler, and I certainly hope you're beyond that. Feelings inform our actions, and our actions in turn create more feelings.

It's up to us to be conscious of how our emotions may fit into the bigger picture of our lives. When I was depressed all those years, I used to think it was because my feelings factory was malfunctioning. I screened out the information that I was in an unhealthy marriage, and I was allowing others to make decisions for me because I thought they were smarter than I was.

When I looked at my overall life, I realized what my counselor said was true. Any normal person living in my circumstances would have felt depressed. That knowledge, combined with taking action I chose, helped me to open the door to a much healthier, much happier life.

A Decided Difference is all about making those decisions that move you closer to the happiness you want in your life. This blog equips you with the tools and knowledge to make it happen. As always, feel free to reach out to me with your questions or comments about what you'd like to see more of.