What's Your Worry Style?

What’s your style when it comes to worry? Some people are the totally chill type—they could change jobs while going through an IRS audit and a divorce without getting upset. Frankly, I don’t understand these people at all, and I think they are pretty rare.

Then there are the extreme worriers, the ones who are sure they are going to die every time they get a hangnail. Their anxiety is so bad it's debilitating.

Most people fall somewhere between the two extremes. However, I don’t think the degree to which you worry is the same as your style of worry. The way you go about worrying is your style, and there can be different degrees within a style.

I have identified five styles of worrying to talk about this week. Worry styles are also not exclusive. You may be one type of worrier at certain times and a different type at others, or you may use a combination of styles. Once you have identified your style (or styles) of worry, you can choose ways to be less anxious and more relaxed.

1) The Fretter

The first style of worrying is demonstrated by the Fretter. If you are a Fretter, you worry

continuously and in every situation. Anxiety is your default response to anything that happens.

Fretters see every piece of news as potentially bad news. A Fretter’s son might call with the

exciting news that he got a great new job, and the Fretter’s response may be to ask if he is sure

this is a good move. After all, his previous job was a good one. Will the commute be too long?

Will he fit in with the new company’s culture? A Fretter is a person who can find a touch of gray, no matter how big the flash of silver may be.

Nothing is too small for a Fretter to worry about. They worry about what the neighbors think.

They worry about whether they offended someone with an innocent remark, that in hindsight,

could have been taken the wrong way. They worry that they over-salted the soup or

undercooked the vegetables. If a Fretter finds him- or herself in a situation where there is nothing to be worried about, the Fretter will invent something.

Fretting is a habit of thinking that stays focused on the negative.

2) The Catastrophizer

The Catastrophizer is the worrier who makes everything bigger and badder than it actually is.

If there is a chilly weekend in August, that must be a sign that global warming is much worse than we knew, and what happens if the weather becomes completely unpredictable? If the spouse of

a Catastrophizer has a bad day at work, it must mean that he or she is going to get fired, and

then how will we pay the bills?

Every pimple is a skin cancer, every frown is a sign of impending divorce, every siren is an ambulance going to the accident of a loved one. Catastrophizers are often called Drama Queens.

Catastrophizing is a habit of thinking in exaggerated proportions.

3) The Overachiever

The Overachiever tries to plan for every contingency. The Overachiever has a six month supply

of canned soup, bottled water, and toilet paper, because you just never know what might

happen.

The Overachiever tries to anticipate every bad thing that could happen and how to

cope with all of them. This type of worrier carries too much insurance and won’t spend money

on having fun, because he or she is too focused on saving for a rainy day. Overachievers often

live in cluttered houses stuffed with items they can’t get rid of, because what if they need those

plastic bags or milk jugs or twist ties someday?

The Overachiever also worries that he or she may overlook something that will cause big problems. This means Overachievers have to be vigilant at all times, never letting their guards down.

Overachieving is a way of trying to stay completely in control.

4) The Fortune Teller

The Fortune Teller is so focused on what might happen in the future, he or she does not live in

the present. Fortune Tellers like to keep up with the news, and they can tell you every single

way the world is going to hell in a hand basket. They will tell you in great detail how, in the

future, Social Security will be bankrupt, no one will be able to afford health care, and climate

change will slowly cook us all to death, if the terrorists don’t get us first.

Fortune Tellers tend to have good memories as well, meaning they can remember the things they want to remember, not that the memories they recall are of good times. They want to remember bad things that have happened, so they can predict when something similar might occur. If you ask a Fortune Teller to go for a walk with you, because it’s a beautiful day, he or she might remind you of the time a storm blew up suddenly and took the roof off the house. You never know when a thing

like that might happen again.

Fortune Telling is an attempt to avoid being taken by surprise, if and when something bad happens.

5) The Angry Worrier

Finally, the Angry Worrier may not appear to be worried at all, but he or she expresses anxiety

through getting irate or being irritable. They overreact to situations others would easily take in

stride.

Angry Worriers are good at righteous indignation whenever they feel wronged. They are

going to call the CEO, the mayor, or the government agency charged with overseeing whatever

issue has ticked them off. They are easily irritated by traffic, by noise, by children.

Angry Worriers are also good at holding grudges and remembering everyone who has done them wrong. I know an Angry Worrier who refuses to set foot in a local business because of

something that happened in the 1960s. Never mind that the business has changed hands three

times since then.

Angry worriers are frustrated by not being in control, and they also worry that others will find out about their anxiety. Fear is easier to hide when it is disguised as anger.

Understanding Your Worry Style

As I said, there are combinations of these styles. Overachievers may fret or get angry; Fortune

Tellers may also catastrophize, and so on. All of these styles share a focus on the negative,

which can lead to depression if it is sustained for very long.

Often, we learn our worry styles in childhood, from our parents or other significant adults, and

then we carry those styles into adulthood. It makes sense for us to do that, because we think

being an adult means acting like the adults we know. I come from a long line of worriers,

including most of these styles. I tend toward fretting and catastrophizing myself.

We can also pick up worry styles from adults we admire and value. If you love your boss, but

he’s a catastrophizer, you may find yourself adopting some of his habits. You may find your spouse expressing worries in a way that you recognize as your own.

As you have read this collection of worry styles, have you found yourself thinking, “That

seems kind of a silly way to spend your time and energy,” even though you know you do it

yourself? When you look at the behaviors from a distance, it’s easier to understand what we are

trying to do by engaging in them. We are trying to feel safe and in control, in a world that we

know to be full of dangers that we can’t control.

Overcoming Worry

There is one major problem with worrying - It doesn’t work! Worrying does nothing to increase our safety or sense of control. If anything, worrying makes us feel less secure, because focusing on the negative things that might happen keeps us from seeing and appreciating the many positive things that are right in front of us.

If you find yourself in a state of anxiety, ask yourself which of these worry styles you might be

exhibiting. The question alone can help reduce your anxiety, by giving you some perspective.

Take a deep breath and remind yourself that being conscious of your worry style can help you

find a way to step out of it. If you are in any kind of relationship with someone who worries to

excess, being aware of their style can help you to understand and possibly even to soothe some

of their anxiety.

It helps me to remind myself that I am just one person, and one person can not reasonably be

expected to control everything in the world. I also remind myself that whatever happens, I can

cope, even if it seems like a real catastrophe. I may not cope gracefully or perfectly, but nothing

has to be the end of my world, unless I choose to allow it to be.

I also try to remember that planning, and preparing, and being responsible are imperfect pursuits. I can’t fully prepare for every possibility, and if I try, I end up destroying my enjoyment of this very day, which is the only day any of us truly have.

Do you recognize yourself in any of the five worry styles in this week’s post? Let me know in the comments which you identify with and share any tips to cope with your worry style.