How to Hang In There When the Going Gets Tough

This process we call change can be fun, exciting, even exhilarating. It can happen at lightning speed, overnight, or even in an instant. You can wake up one morning and think, as I did recently, “Wow, I love my life.”

The process of change can also be annoying, frustrating, and exhausting. It can happen at a snail’s pace or stall out completely. You can wake up morning after morning and think, “Wow. It seems like nothing is changing at all.” Then the morning may come when you say to yourself, “I am losing hope.”

When you get to this point, or even long before, remember that it is okay to change your mind or to change what you are doing. When things are not working out, sometimes you just have to grit your teeth and stay the course. Change that is worthwhile often takes time. It takes longer than you want it to. It takes longer than you think you can bear. But if you stick with it, the change you want suddenly takes place.

The classic example of this is the “overnight success.” I’m putting “overnight success” in quotation marks, because many people who experience what appears to be sudden success have actually been working for it for years. They’ve just been working out of sight, hustling on the side, toiling away while no one is paying any attention. Then, when they score a big win, it appears to the world to happen out of the blue, when the reality is that they have been building toward it for a very long time.

Baby Steps

Significant change often takes the form of small actions, repeated over and over, so many times that you completely lose count. One example of this is weight loss. You make the same choices, day in and day out, and the progress can seem agonizingly slow. You eat smaller portions, add more vegetables and fruits, say no to ice cream and other goodies, and skip the popcorn when you go to the movies. Or, if you are like me, you skip the movies because you find the popcorn irresistible.

It isn’t necessarily fun, but you are building good habits by continuing to make the same choices on a consistent basis. Soon, the choices get easier to make, because you have had so much practice. Then, one day, you find that your belt is still too big, even though you have buckled it in the first hole.

When I quit smoking, years and years ago, I struggled hard to stay away from cigarettes at first. One day at a time? Ha! It was more like one hour at a time, and occasionally, one minute at a time. I stuck with it and did whatever it took. That included staying at home in my pajamas for a day here and there, because I knew if I got dressed, I would go straight to the store to buy cigarettes. Finally, the day came when I got up, got dressed, did the things I had to do, and didn’t once think about smoking or how I wanted a cigarette, because finally, I didn’t want one any more.

This process is not easy, and sticking with it will not always guarantee you will get everything you want. For many changes, though, sticking with it day in and day out is the only thing you have to do to win big. It’s been more than 30 years since I smoked a cigarette.

Changing Tactics

Some types of change require more than persistence. If you keep doing the same things consistently, and you are not moving any closer to your goal, maybe you need to change your strategies and tactics.

One of my friends kept hitting brick walls when he went after new customers for his business. He tried everything he could think of to get certain people to buy his services. Finally, he realized that some people simply did not see the benefits of what he was offering, and these people were not potential customers for him at all. They were never going to buy, and by continuing to contact them, he was missing out on talking to other people who would love to buy what he is selling. In a situation like this, you don’t need to change the goal, only the route you take to get to it.

When it feels like you aren’t getting closer to your goal, it might help to reassess your expectations. Have you learned there are additional steps you need to take? Do you need to adjust the timeline for getting where you want to go? If you have encountered obstacles along the way and had to take detours, it may take longer than you had expected to get to your goal. That doesn’t mean the goal is not worth getting.

There is not shame in adjusting the schedule if that is what you need to do. Forgive yourself for not anticipating all the obstacles, or for taking longer to learn a new skill than you expected, or for sitting down for a period of time and holding a pity party for one. We all do those things sometimes. You’re human. Get over it, get back up, and get going again.

Making Progress

Celebrate the fact that you have made and are making progress, even if your ultimate goal is still a long way off. I love my life, even though it isn’t exactly perfect. I want to do more, have more, and be more than I do now, but I have made a great deal of progress. Look up from plugging along, and you may just see that you have come a long way, farther than you thought you had, and you are closer to your goal than you ever have been.

The sense that you are making progress is one of the most motivating things out there. Maybe you have a big goal, like writing a book. Don’t just focus on the end goal, the completed book on a shelf at the local bookstore. It’s great to visualize that, and I encourage you to do it, but I also think it’s very helpful to set intermediate goals, things that are achievable in a shorter time frame. Give yourself credit for completing each chapter, or work in even smaller chunks. One of my friends is building the habit of writing 500 words per day. It doesn’t sound like much, until you add it up and realize that’s 125,000 words a year if she only writes Monday through Friday and takes two weeks of vacation. That is a couple of books, my friends.

When you have truly given your goal a great deal of thought, chosen it carefully, and decided to go for it, only change the goal as the last resort. I mean it. Try everything and keep trying everything until there is absolutely nothing left to try. If you really want that goal, you have to be committed to it. You have to do the work. You have to build the habits. You have to fall down and get back up. You have to make a new plan. You have to keep on keeping on. Remember to think about how it will feel when you get what you are working for. Focus on the feeling to build energy to get yourself there.

I gave a speech the other day and got a standing ovation. I’ve been dreaming for a long time of how that would feel, and when it happened, it was even better than I thought it would be. It was amazing, and humbling, and deeply satisfying. It made all the work I had done and all the risks I had taken worthwhile.

When you get discouraged on the way to your goal, you might start to think, "Maybe I don’t have what it takes." Well, maybe you don’t. And if you quit, you will make sure that is the truth. The only time I think it is appropriate to quit for one reason. Whether you are moving closer to your goal, or you are on the verge of achieving it, or you don’t feel you are making any progress at all, the only reason to quit is this: You realize you really, truly, deep down, do not want it. Not that you’re sick of trying, or tired of waiting, or feeling hopeless, but that you have realized achieving your goal will not make you happy.

Only you can decide when enough is enough, and you want something else. I beg you not to make that decision just because you are frustrated and losing hope that it is possible to get what you really want.

This post is the fourth in a series of five about change. Next week, I will wrap up the series with thoughts about how to live the Decided Difference way for the rest of your life. It has worked for me in good times and in bad times for the last decade and a half, and I want you to have all the benefits of it as well.