Gratitude Without Guilt

My favorite, number one, go-to strategy for fighting negative moods is gratitude. It's not

possible to feel grateful and depressed in the same moment. Feelings of gratitude can be a

momentary respite from depression and anxiety, and they can also make a ladder for you to

climb out of the pit of negative feelings and moods. Building that ladder is a do-it-yourself

project, but it's easy enough for anyone to do. You just have to keep at it and avoid the pitfalls I'm going to mention below.

By way of illustration, allow me to share with you the experience I had this past week. I was

feeling a bit anxious about things in general, and I could feel my mood starting to slide into low

territory. I knew this was happening because of what I was thinking. Although I'm not in financial

trouble, I was allowing myself to fret about upcoming expenses and whether I would have the

income to meet them. I was thinking gloomy thoughts about whether I would have meaningful time to spend with my daughters in the near future. In other words, I was digging a pit for myself, and I needed to make a ladder to climb out of it.

Making a List

As I realized what I was doing, I recognized a prime opportunity to document the process and

share it with you. I picked up a pencil and a sheet of paper as I went through my day, with

the intention of writing down things that I felt grateful to have in my life. I started making a list.

Number one, the beauty of the stately oak trees that line the boulevard in front of my house.

Number two, the fact that my lawn care is taken care of by my homeowners association. Number three, the aroma of coffee brewing. Number four, a working washer and dryer. Number

five, a nice dishwasher. Number six, ample cabinet space in my kitchen.

But as soon as I got to number six, I stumbled over a hazard. I do have lots of cabinet space in my kitchen, but the cabinets are what decorators call dated. They were fashionable when the house was built 20 years ago, but not so fashionable now. I'd love to replace them, but that project isn’t in the budget right now.

As I started thinking about that, my inner critic, Little Miss Goody Two Shoes,

piped up. “Are you really going to talk about ample cabinet space and whether you can afford to

remodel your perfectly serviceable kitchen, when families are struggling just to put food on the table?

How shallow could you possibly be?”

The Comparison Trap

Ah, there it is, one of the pitfalls I mentioned. When you're thinking of things you're grateful

for, beware of getting caught in the comparison trap. You have the right to feel grateful for

whatever blessings you perceive in your life. You don’t have to feel guilty for having more than

others do. Someone will always have less than you do, and someone will have more.

You have the right to feel grateful for whatever blessings you perceive in your life. You don’t have to feel guilty for having more than others do. Someone will always have less than you do, and someone will have more.

That has nothing to do with how grateful you feel for what you do have—or for that matter, for how grateful you feel for whatever illness or harm or disaster you have escaped or avoided. If you

have more, or are healthier, or luckier, or whatever, refusing to feel grateful doesn’t help anyone

else. It just prevents you from feeling better.

So, I went on making my list. Number seven, my ability to generate new ideas for the podcast.

Eight, my walking partner Sherrie. Nine, the ability to walk—on Ten, the nice greenway nearby.

Eleven, adequate clothing, plus some clothes I really like—and uh-oh, there’s another hazard.

Here comes Goody again.

Comparing with Should Haves

“But what about all those beautiful, expensive clothes hanging in your closet that don’t fit you

any more? You gained weight and you've done nothing to get rid of it. Think of your budget! Think of the fortune you spent on those clothes that you can’t wear. You had to buy more clothes in bigger sizes because of how lazy you are and fat you have become.”

This is another kind of comparison trap, comparing the situation you are in to the situation you

could be in if things were different. Dare I mention the S word here? Your inner critic, like mine,

may bring up the idea that you SHOULD be doing something better than you are.

If I am grateful for the books filling my shelves, which I am, but Goody points out that I have had many of them for years and have not read them yet, I can easily start to feel guilty or even ashamed. There is no value in this! I love my books, and having them makes me happy, and I can start reading them whenever I wish. Or I can save them for later. It is my choice.

Never Good Enough

Twelfth on my list of gratitudes was bulletproof coffee. I start nearly every day with two cups of

bulletproof coffee, which is hot coffee blended with unsalted butter and coconut oil. I know, I

know, it sounds gross until you try it. It’s actually awesome, but here comes Goody again.

“You know, you’d be better off, healthier and probably skinnier, if you would use that blender to make a green smoothie instead of coffee.” This is another comparison hazard, the trap of “never good

enough.”

I first tried bulletproof coffee because it is supposed to be good for your brain. I keep

drinking it mainly because I love coffee, and I have since I was a little kid sneaking sips from my

mother’s cup. It tastes good, and I feel good when I drink it.

Is it as good for me as a green smoothie would be? Maybe not, but I can’t know for certain. Nutritional theories are constantly evolving, and fads come and go. The one thing I know for sure is that any coffee tastes better without a side of guilt or shame.

Guilt-Free Gratitude

I kept on making my list as I went through my day. Eventually I came to one item that stays on

my list permanently: a hot shower anytime I want one. When I stepped out of the shower, my

reflection was staring back at me in the gigantic, unforgiving mirror in my bathroom.

I scolded myself for being disappointed in my body. I reminded myself that it’s my own fault that I’m heavier than I want to be, and that I have a choice about it. I told myself to focus on being

grateful that I can see my own reflection, that I have eyes to see and a mirror to look in.

But shaming yourself into gratitude is not a healthy idea in the long run. It’s just the comparison

game in another guise, popping in to make you feel bad. It is one thing to deliberately choose to

focus on gratitude, to be aware of the good things in your life. It is another to beat yourself up for

not ALWAYS being focused on the positive.

Good, bad, and neutral all coexist in our world. Gratitude will help you feel good when you choose it and practice it with purposeful intent to simply feel grateful. Guilt and shame can spoil the fun.

People always say you should count your blessings. I can get on board with that, as long as it’s done consciously. But when you hear someone say, you SHOULD be more grateful all the time…and you SHOULD NOT take your blessings for granted…well, you heard the S word there, right? Enjoy the blessings in your life, but go ahead and skip the accompanying guilt.

I hope you have lots of things to feel grateful for this week. Remember, the world doesn’t

change. You do.