The Art of Asking for Help

It’s impossible to choose a favorite Beatles song, but my top three would have to include “With a

Little Help from My Friends.” It’s a simple song, but I have taken encouragement from its words

for practically as long as I can remember.

Asking for help is not considered a skill, much less a valuable skill, in our culture. Americans

venerate the strong, independent person - the one who doesn’t need anybody. That attitude

keeps us less mentally healthy than we might be otherwise, because that person does not exist.

We Are Social Creatures

We all need help from others, and we all like helping others. These are not my opinions. They

are research findings that have been replicated and reinforced in every way imaginable, from

social science experiments to functional MRIs that show how our brains work as they are

working. Humans are social animals. We are creatures who need other creatures like us, and

we need to stop pretending otherwise, if we are to be healthy and truly strong.

I think one of the reasons so many people suffer from depression and anxiety is because we

have lost our sense of connectedness to one another. You could argue that social media make

us more connected than ever before, but sitting alone facing a screen is not a substitute for

interpersonal connections in real life.

When you combine human nature with social media, you get a space online in which we often hide the negatives of our lives while exaggerating the positives. I don’t necessarily think there is anything wrong with this, by the way, but it's important to be aware of this truth. Putting your most personal problems online for the world to see is a risky business, and I don’t recommend it, so I understand why the positive social media persona exists.

Connection Means Helping Each Other

If you want to be mentally healthy and spiritually whole, I believe asking for help from others and offering help to others is absolutely essential. Connecting with other people in this way brings

out the best of who we are as human beings.

Having said all that, I don’t like to ask for help. Like you, I have been taught by my culture that

asking for help is a sign of weakness, if not outright incompetence. I don’t like to be seen as a

weakling who can’t manage her own affairs. I don’t like being dependent on others, and I don’t

like feeling that I owe something to others.

On the other hand, I like being able to help when someone else needs it. It feels good to be

capable and generous and supportive, and here is an important point: When someone else asks

for my help, I don’t see them as weak or incompetent, because they are not weak or

incompetent.

Reaching for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of deciding to solve your problems and being prepared to do whatever that takes.

You are not Superman or Wonder Woman. Superheroes don’t exist. But you can be a regular

hero for someone who needs your help, and you can find a regular hero when you need one.

An Interdependent World

No one does anything alone. Your parents, or someone, brought you up to adulthood. Someone

built the house you live in and the roads you drive on and the stores you shop in. Someone

else probably grew the food you eat and made the clothes you wear. We are all interdependent,

and the fact that we exchange money for the things we consume does not change the fact of

interdependency.

Of course, you don’t pay your family and friends for helping you work on a project or think things through. You don’t pay them for inviting you to dinner when you are lonely or taking your kids for a few hours when you need a break. You don’t pay them when you borrow their tools or get a

copy of a recipe. Or do you?

Above, I used the word “interdependent,” which is different from being dependent

or independent. I love that word, because it makes me think of layers and networks and webs of

social and family connections that keep us all strong and supported. When we all give and we

all take, it all works.

If you feel ashamed or worry about appearing weak or needy when you think about asking for

help, stop for a moment and consider how you feel when someone else asks for your help.

Even if you are not able to give the help they are asking for, because you don’t know how, or

you don’t have the time, or for whatever reason, you are not likely to think of the person doing

the asking as weak or needy.

In my own life, I have taken and taken and taken when going through difficult times. There were times when I felt I was hanging on by my fingernails, and other people helped to hold me up. However, during the same period of time, I have also offered a shoulder and an ear to friends and family members who needed them. I have helped with projects and coached people who needed to give speeches. I have said yes to people who asked for my help in many forms. While taking, I have also given, and that is what interdependence is all about.

Help Is Healthy

Helping each other connects us to each other, and connection is so valuable to us as healthy

human beings. You don’t pay your friends and family with cash when they help you with

something, but there is reciprocity built into interdependence. You help your friend move his

couch, partly because you know eventually you will need help moving yours.

It also feels good to be able to give from a position of strength, whether it is physical muscle or

mental or emotional strength. Making a practice of helping reinforces your own strength. When

you give others the opportunity to help you, it reinforces theirs. This is another beauty of

interdependence.

Obviously, I do not live a perfect life. I do have times when I feel weak, times when I beat myself

up for making mistakes, and times when I can’t see a bright future shining beyond the current

darkness. I also don’t expect myself to be successful and happy all the time. I know I will make

decisions that turn out to be not so great in hindsight. I know I have a tendency to be pessimistic

and to doubt myself.

But I also know that all of that is okay. I can live an imperfect life and still live well. If I fail to take my own advice at times, that doesn’t mean the advice is bad. It means I am a human being, like you, and like you, I will always need the help of others.

Rather than trying to be independent, we can choose to see asking for help when it is needed as a skill that we can develop and improve. By doing this, we can strengthen the web of interdependence that supports us all.